Knowing when to have sex is about knowing what you and your partner need in order to have sex and understanding about how your DNA plays a role. When you both have what you need, it is time to have sex. Unfortunately, the gap in understanding between men and women leads us to believe that we both need the same things to have sex. Making this assumption is where things can get messy.
There is not a one-size-fits-all solution. We can give you the secrets to know when sex is right for you.
Why you must consider your DNA when deciding how long should you wait to have sex.
As much as we all see ourselves as unique and evolved individuals, our DNA causes men and women to pursue and experience sex differently.
Men: Have you ever experienced a woman's becoming clingy, needy or upset after having sex with you for the first time? It can be hard to understand after having what seemed to you to be great consensual sex.
Women: Have you ever had sex with a man for the first time and almost immediately regretted it? It can be hard to experience that feeling after you thought you made a good decision at the time.
Let's face it, there is a lot more pressure on women about when to have sex, and the pressure is conflicting these days:
- Women can hook up just like men if they would just own their sexuality and stop being ashamed that they enjoy sex.
- You must wait so many days or so many dates before letting him have sex with you so that you know he is trustworthy and deserves you.
It is critical to understand before you have sex, that your human biology is going to take over and cause you to do things you may not be able to control.
Here's how human biology affects men and women after sex:
- Bonding hormones (such as oxytocin and dopamine) tend to last only a few hours to a few days. This gets longer as a man gets older and his hormones change.
- After sex, men tend to relax from "hunting" and trying to get her into the going out into the world to produce results and focusing on other areas of their life.
- Men tend to drop off communication with the woman they had sex with, even if he's pursuing a relationship with her.
- He may be thinking 'I got laid. It was great. I'd like to do that again." Or, "I got laid. That was great. That will tide me over until I find the next woman to have sex with."
- If he pulls away and then experiences her getting needy, he tends to pull away even more in response...this is when he can bring out the drama or the crazy in the coolest of laid back women.
- Bonding hormones (like oxytocin and dopamine) cause her to experience feeling bonded to the man she had sex with for a matter of weeks. Looking back in time, it's easy to understand that being wired to stay connected to the man who may have impregnated you would be a life-or-death survival instinct. This bonding time gets shorter as she gets older or passes menopause and her hormones changed.
- After women have sex they tend to get more needy and clingy. Ugh...we women can hate that about ourselves! You can blame your DNA and hormones.
- Women may not even be aware that they changed from the cool, laid-back girl into the girl who can't get enough communication or plans from her guy. This can happen even with a guy she did not think of as boyfriend material.
- We've seen this chemical response make women get serious with guys that were just not their matches and had no intention of ever seeing past a one night stand. Crazy!
- If she gets clingy and then experiences his pulling away, she may get even more panicked in order to get the connection her hormones are pushing her to get to feel safe. This can send men running the other way, even when they care for a woman.
So here's that ugly gap between men and women rearing it's head again!
Men tend to pull away from her and move on to other focuses in their life after the sex and women tend to focus more on him and need more from him. This is completely opposite!
Caution: Having sex without being aware of how human biology affects men and women hormonally leads to the end of many great potential relationships and to the start of many relationships that should never have happened.
Knowing when to have sex is about understanding your DNA so that you can make sure you and your partner both have what you need before and after you have sex.
Make Your Own Rules on When to Have Sex
Questions to ask yourself before you decide to have sex with someone.
1. What does this sexual encounter mean to you? Examples:
- It's a casual encounter and you have zero expectations after it is over.
- You are exclusive and now in a relationship.
- This means you are in love.
- This means you should be getting married.
2. What do you expect from your partner before, during and after the sex?
- You have discussed safe sex and the possibility of pregnancy/prevention.
- You are comfortable enough to set boundaries about what you will and will not provide for your partner.
- You know what you need after sex and can ask for it. For example: sleep together and snuggle, say goodbye and not sleep together, have a text the next day, never to talk again, go out to breakfast, that you are now boyfriend/girlfriend
3. Have you considered if you are ready to handle the hormonal side effects of sex?
- Men - are you ready for this woman to become bonded to you and do you know that you can provide her with what she needs? Are you willing to be aware that you will naturally pull away and this will be in conflict with what she needs?
- Women - are you ready to be more bonded to this man? Are you ready for him to pull away and that this will be in conflict with what you need?
- Really think about this one.
Now that you know what you need. You've just come up with your own personal rules for when to have sex.
Now you are ready to have the conversation with your partner.
Do not have sex without being upfront about what it means. Make sure your partner has the chance to think about what you say and agree to what you can provide and what you need.
Caution: If you’re having this conversation in the heat of the moment, you are likely to agree to things for which you cannot be accountable. This can blow up! Men and women can get really burned if the other partner can’t hold up their end of the agreement.
There is a reason that so many relationship experts suggest to women that they withhold sex for a really long time. It’s because many men have agreed to a woman’s needs in the heat of the moment and then not delivered. He thought they were cool because he was cool. She needed more and waiting a while can help sometimes. But sometimes waiting a while is not right for a couple and stands in the way of the development of the relationship.
There is no rule that everyone should follow. But it’s important for you to know that you are going to get what you need if you do have sex with someone.
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