How to Tell Someone "We're Just Not a Match"

Not a match

Have you gone on a few dates and you realize that you need to know how to tell someone we’re just not a match? You like them. You don’t want to hurt them. But you know you are not right for each other. There is an easy formula to honor them and to honor you.


Why It’s Important to Tell Them rather Than Disappear


If you’ve dated much you’ve experienced the disappearing act. It doesn’t feel very good, even if you weren’t that interested in them. You’ve shared your time with someone getting to know them so it seems only fair for them to let you know that they are moving on for whatever reason. Fair is fair in dating and that means it’s the right thing to do when you decide someone is not a match for you.

Treat others how you’d like to be treated and that means letting someone know when you’ve sorted them out.


Here’s The Formula for How to Tell Someone “We’re Just Not a Match”


• Timing: Usually 3 to 5 times of being together in person with someone are enough to determine if you should continue exploring the possibility of a romantic relationship with someone. Trust your gut.

• Style of Communication: Choose the style of communication based on how you communicated with this person all along. If you always talked by phone, that is the best way to tell someone. But if you really only texted or emailed, you can do it that way.

• When: Ask if it’s a good time to talk/message if you’re calling or texting.

• What to Say:

  1. Appreciation: Appreciate them for spending time with you and appreciate the qualities in them that you admire and/or respect. Appreciate them for what they provided for you. For example “It’s been really great getting to know you. You are such a fun guy and always made me laugh. Thank you for taking me to see your favorite movie last night.”
  2. It’s about you not them: Let them know that you don’t see the two of you as a match. You can say “After getting to know you better I realize that for me we’re just Not a Match.
  3. Gratitude: Take the time to thank them for sharing themselves with you. You can say something like “Thank you so much for sharing yourself with me.”
  4. Invitation: If you would like the person to stay in your life as a friend, you can invite them so that they can decide for themselves. Instead of saying “let’s be friends” you can say “I’d enjoy being friends if you are interested?” This allows them the space to decide what works for them. If they do not feel the same as you about being a match, they may not be able to or want to be friends. This should be their choice.
  5. Don’t Tell Them Why: Don’t tell them what about them makes them not a match. It’s usually something that they can not change and for someone else will be a perfect match. The respectful thing is to just say that “for me we’re not a match.”

If you sent an email or texted, you may not hear from this person or you may receive a very kind reply. Don’t worry about this either way. If you’ve followed these simple and respectful steps know that you have set both of you free to find the perfect match for each of you.

Congratulations! When you let someone know you’re not a match, you’re putting positive energy out into the dating world.

Please share this post with your friends who are dating.

Leave us a comment below and let us know what is the kindest way someone let you know that you were not their match.